I have a best friend.

He is the precise definition of a ride or die– without the die part because he doesn’t die. So we have just been riding. Riding the waves that he walks on and I stand at the shore and watch because my confidence gets shaky. These same waves I also begin to drown in when I manage to set my insecurities aside, but still can’t manage to keep my wondering eyes locked on his.

Two years ago, I’m not exactly sure how it happened or when or where I knew he found me. After running so fiercely away from him, that day something was different from all the other days. I made quite the u-turn and ran passionately into his arms. He held me until I fell asleep that night and I finally realized how deeply I needed him and how exhausted my legs were.

He carries me now. Sometimes I think I’m a big girl so I jump out of his arms and begin to walk by myself, but two steps later I’m right back in his arms.

I wanted to keep him at an arm’s length so I could be young and free and in control, but if I needed something, like healing for a sick relative or an A on an exam, I could just pull him in from the distance. How silly to only think of him when I needed something. What was I doing all these years without knowing him? How could I be so confident in my own abilities to think I could do life without him?

Looking back, all along I was running, but not too fast so he could keep up. I needed him to keep up. I was asking him to follow me. Now I’m following him, at his pace.

I have a best friend.

I need him more than the moon needs the sky, more than 1 needs 2, more than the ocean needs water, more than I need loan forgiveness after college.

The only thing about this friendship is that it’s hugely lopsided. He loves me more than I love him and more than my human mind can even imagine or even describe or even begin to love him back. If this were a normal human relationship, he would have definitely left me bestfriendless by now.

Maybe instead of a best friend, I should call him brafamoan (brother, father, mother, aunt- anything I need at any given moment he is for me). In him, I found family, joy, peace, love, security, refuge, purpose and things dictionaries don’t have words for.

I have a best friend.

He is the man of my dreams, except he’s not a dream. Is he? If he is, I must be dreaming with my eyes open because I feel him when I am not dreaming. He is always near. In his calm and quiet voice, I hear him. I taste him in the wonders of fried food and in the sweetness of fresh fruit. In other people, I see him. I see him in me.

I have a best friend.

He knows me better than my mother knows me, which I thought was impossible. He knows me better than I know myself which I also thought was impossible. Maybe I should start asking him if these jeans make me look fat because he sees my reflection more clearly than I and he doesn’t lie.

I have a best friend.

He lives in the sky above the clouds, above the moon and the stars and the sun. Airplanes and rockets couldn’t possibly build anything high enough to reach him. But luckily, I don’t need to fly to him.  Before he left, he gave me his spirit. So he’s always closer than close. Always telling me the right decision to make, right places to go and the right things to say (even though sometimes I don’t listen).

I know he will be back for me one day. Even If I have to die first to see him, it’s okay. Death is just a doorway to take me to my faithful lover*. But I have a hope and an anxious awaitance that he will return before I enter through that doorway.

*Trip Lee’s words.

I have a best friend.

He saved me.

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